Recently I was browsing through LinkedIn and came across a post which happened to be a video by Gaur Gopal Das on apologising. There were a few more people who had shared this video and commented on the dynamics of ego, forgiveness and self-esteem in an apology. These posts brought back memories of a lame apology given to me for a very cruel act.  It made me realise that these three words “I am Sorry” are probably the most over used words in today’s world. They are more like a Get Out of Jail card in life. Hurt someone with your words or a fist, steal, murder, cheat – not to worry, these three words are right there to provide the much needed salvation.

Over time people seemed to have forgotten what is an apology. Is it a mere sentence of few words coupled with a “sorry” that will give you a clean slate? Or does it require you to put aside your ego, acknowledge your actions, take responsibility for your actions and make an effort to heal the hurt. Surprising as it may seem, to the person hurt it is easy to see when your words do not match your intention. As Gilbert K. Chesterton once said “A stiff apology is a second insult. The injured party does not want to be compensated because he has been wronged; he wants to be healed because he has been hurt”. When you apologise it is not about you, not about how great you are or what a fantastic effort you are making. It is about the person you have hurt. It is about making a conscious effort to correct what you have wronged and ensuring you do not repeat those actions. Without this the apology is nothing more than a few hollow words.

After I was wronged by someone I trusted I was left with an apology “Oh did I? I don’t remember. When I am drunk I am stupid, I am sorry.” When an apology comes with a justification it is no longer an apology. It just becomes an excuse for your actions. Hollow words reeking of ego with no sign of remorse. It is better for such an apology to be left unsaid.  The incident changed me as a person. Every day I woke up trying to make sense of what happened. When that did not work the only way for me to find closure was to let go and move on. In my quest to calm the racing monkey in my head I came across a quote from Robert Brault “Life becomes easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got.” When I first read the quote it felt poetic, as if it was written for me, the perfect balm to my wound. Just what I needed to retain what little sanity I was left with after receiving that epic apology. In hindsight I would say these words are very true in today’s world where a sorry is delivered as swiftly as two minute noodles.

Knowingly or unknowingly our words and actions do hurt people. What might seem trivial to you might be life altering for someone else. Instead of being quick to blurt out “I am sorry” take the time to understand why the other person is hurt, consider if you really are sorry or if you are trying to just end the debacle as quickly as possible. Especially if people take the courage to tell you that they have been hurt by you. Take the time to listen, take the time to talk to them without judgement. I am not saying become a carpet for the world to step on. I am saying make an effort to see things from another person’s perspective, park your ego aside at times and if you are going to say sorry make sure it is meaningful.

There are times we apologise not because we are right but rather because we value the relationship and the person more than our ego.  These apologies I believe are the hardest. It is not a matter of just blurting out the magical word sorry but more about working to cement that little crack in the relationship, making an extra effort to heal. Those apologies I believe are the most selfless rare human acts. It is definitely better than standing at a funeral wishing if  you had just made that little effort. Our friend ego is quite good at disappearing in these moments and all of a sudden we realise that in the larger scheme of things, the issue was so so very trivial. So not worth losing all those moments that could have been memories to fondly reminisce.

“Sorry” can be one of the most powerful words or just another meaningless hollow word. The choice is yours to make. Next time you are at a cross road think of Margaret Lee Runbeck‘s wise quote “An apology is a lovely perfume; it can transform the clumsiest moment into a gracious gift.”